It manifests itself differently in everyone.

Last summer we had several miscarriages and I felt that I held myself together well. I wasn’t a mess lying in bed. I was up, I was participating in the world around me, laughing, joking, having what appeared to be a good time. My whole body was shutting down. I ended up with asthma and allergies that I had never had before. I could not participate in outdoor activities that I loved because I could not move without having an asthma attack. It scared my son and my husband horribly.

I could not let go of the hope – the vision of babies that would not be born. To let the little spirits go – to release them from my mind. I held them in.

No release.

I find myself in a similar situation now. My grandfather has passed on – gone to the spirit world where he looks down and supports us from afar.

But I cannot grieve.

I cannot cry.

I feel the tension of this lack of release in my body – I am holding it tight inside.

My dad called me right before my son was going to get off the bus – so I made myself stop crying – I couldn’t wait for the bus with tears streaming down my face.

So I held back.

I made myself stop thinking about it.

I knew I had to tell Trace about his GGL and I needed to do it in a way a six-year-old would understand. So I waited. I told Trace as we were having a snuggle on the couch – he asked some questions – I answered them and I cried a little – but we had a school open house to go to so I pulled myself together and went on, made dinner, went to the open house came home and was sad.

But I could not cry.

No release.

I could not pull the lever and allow the tears to come.

So the grief is here, in my body.

I feel the tension.

My neck,

my shoulders,

my arms,

my jaw

and although my River did his best to massage it away – it is still there.

So here I sit at 3:30 in the morning – unable to sleep the tension building,

my body aching,

and no tears coming.

No release.

I have to learn to let go – to let the spirit go – to appreciate the protectiveness that my grandfather offers and let the unsaid things go…





True story from the Lee Household:

On Monday evening someone gave us a pig.

Now we did not have much time to prepare for said pig as we only found out we were getting it on Sunday night and we did not know how big it was.

That being said River retro fitted the chicken house to a piggie house and we put some structural reinforcement around the bottom of the fence.

Now what we were not told was that the piggie was spoiled.

Very, very spoiled.

Upon arrival we were told that for some reason the pig would not eat grain.

No he likes blueberry muffins, pancakes and corn. Yes they actually bought him his own corn and blueberry muffins at the corner store.


While we aren’t going to waste blueberry muffins, pancakes and good corn on a pig, so we figure the pig will eat the darn grain eventually.

The first night went well – Trace really likes the pig – his name is Riley (not our choice – it is the name he came with – Trace likes Wilbur)

Trace spent a long time scratching him and the pig really enjoyed that.

The next day Trace was at his dad’s, I was at work and River was making some trailer repairs in the backyard near the pig – so he was kind of keeping the pig company.

After I got home in the evening the pig finally ate a little bit of his grain.

River and I went inside for dinner and while we were eating we heard some rustling in the bushes outside. I thought it was the cat on the prowl – but no it was the pig tearing down the hill to the field.

River and 6 1/2 months pregnant lady rushed outside to capture this 50lb pig.

Now to look at this pig you would not thing that it would be so hard to hold him once you grabbed him – but he is a slithery little critter and I believe he is made entirely of muscle.

Now mind you we do not have any of his favorite treats on hand to lure him back to his pen – no muffins, pancakes or corn so he was not so willing to come to us.

We finally got him into the backyard – River had already gotten ahold of him once and the darn thing squirmed right out of him arms – so now we had to try to make it happen again.

With pregnant lady holding her belly – cause it hurts to run when your belly is sticking out as far as mine is – I tried to turn the pig at opportune moments so it would go towards River and not towards the road.

After several attempts of this we finally managed to build a little coral type thing by the entrance of the pig pen and corner him in there. River got a hold of him and had to literally pin him to the ground using all his weight so the pig would not take off again in the meantime the pig started squealing so loudly I am sure all our neighbors think that we were committing murder in the backyard.

My conclusion: the little piggie does indeed say wee, wee, wee all the way home.

I have since been told that a pig will not run towards a solid wall so we should have just held up sheets of plywood or something to turn it till we got it where we wanted it – well now we know – thank you DW.  (Who laughed like crazy when he read my story and just bought us a pig book to help us through this experience. )


We are going camping – I hope you don’t have any big plans this weekend – because of course when we camp – it rains.







I know – doesn’t seem possible right – but the problem is the bottoms – I only have two pairs of pants and one pair of shorts that fit me – and they have been rubbing my baby belly and making me itch like crazy. I also have two skirts and one dress (that might fit me until next week).

Normally this has been working just fine for me, I mostly wear the skirts unless I am going to work, however…

We are going camping on Friday. I know I must be nuts – 6 1/2 months pregnant and camping – that is what air mattresses were made for!

I don’t want to take the skirts or the dress camping for obvious reasons – I have limited clothing and I don’t want to get these pieces covered with bug stuff, sunscreen and campfire smoke.

Are pajamas appropriate camping gear?


Managing the influx of baby stuff – this is my new challenge.

One of my friends has a baby that is going to be a year old this month.

She has offered us a bunch of baby things.

I am reluctant to take it.

Except that I know that a bouncy seat can be a life saver when I need to take a shower and no one else is home.

A changing pad is very handy when the baby is tiny.

And seat so baby doesn’t fall over while having a bath is handy.

We are trying for a minimalist baby from the start this time.

I still have a lot of baby clothes from Trace and I think we will not need to buy any clothes for a long time unless it is a girl – in which case I will sell some of the boy clothes and buy some pink and purple.

How much stuff will we really use and how much will we be able to do without and how do we keep people from giving us gifts that will not be used?

The challenge has begun – does anyone have any suggestions?

In the process of moving to a smaller space we had some extra furniture, there were a few things that we were able to sell, and a few things I was not sure what to do with.

What should we do with:

An old matress, still in good condition – but could be about 40 years old as it came with a bed from my grandparent’s house.

A big old desk that no one seemed to want when we tried to sell it – it was River’s grandmother’s

A cute little old chair that needs the seat re-cained and new glue on all the joints – I have had it for years

A little rocking chair – some doggie teeth marks on it, but sturdy

A small table  – less than a foot square – tall and a bit tippy honestly

A pretty, new cabinet that I had purchased from Target about 2 years ago that just doesn’t fit in our space anymore

What we did:

Everything except the little rocking chair and the cabinet went at the end of the driveway – and would you believe that people took all of them – every single one. I hope they really enjoy them.

I decided that I would paint the little rocking chair – I think a nice eggplant color and give it to my grandmother for her birthday for her porch – she needs a couple of little rocking chairs on the porch to replace very old ones that people can’t really sit in any more without risk of hurting themselves.

The cabinet – I have posted it on Craig’s List a couple of times – no bites – I kind of want to make a little money on this one – I bought it for about $130 and I feel really bad spending the money on it and not having it be useful for us – I may have to change my perspective and just let it go.

The porch which had become the storage unit – was so crowded – it looked horrible – dark – crowded and dirty and it is the entrance to our home.

River and I both felt a sense of relief when all the STUFF was gone!

Ahhhh – space – light – sunshine – air – so good to have you back!

We are growing a baby!

Hence the lack of posts lately, I have been falling asleep when Trace went to bed and not being able to do much else. I am feeling so much better at this point that I think I will be able to post on a more regular basis, at least until the little one arrives!

Yeah for babies! We can’t wait to meet this new person and show them the world!

Yep we did ’em in.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. River hunts so I have seen him process game before, but I have never been there for the whole process. You know – the actual killing part.

We had talked to Trace about the process and he knows that we do not kill animals unless we are going to eat them. It would be disrespectful of the animal to not use as much of it as we can once we do kill them. We thanked each of the chickens for feeding us and talked about how we should always be thankful to any animal that we eat. Trace’s dad did not want Trace to see that actual slitting of the throat so I had him turn around for that part. Trace hung out with us for part of the time and did his own thing part of the time. He was interested in the internal organs -is that the heart and are those the intestines, etc. It was like a science class in his own backyard, kind of neat for him to see and know that he has similar parts in his body that look and function in much the same way.

Here is how we did it – processing four at a time:

River caught the chickens and put them in the killing cone (yes that is what they really call them – kind of gross isn’t it) and did the deed. Then he hung the chickens up by their feet while he did the next one.

River dipped the bird in water that was between 150 and 180 degrees for about 30 seconds to loosen up the feathers then he de-feathered them.

I got the bird next and took the pin feathers out – much more challenging on some birds then on others.

River then gutted and processed the chicken, we only left six of them whole, the rest we cut up and separated into dark, breast and soup categories. I bagged the chicken, vacuum packed it and brought it to the freezers.

It took us five and a half hours for 20 chicken’s not bad for newbies. It would have gone faster with one more person to do the cutting up I think.

Overall I would do it again – I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it, but it wasn’t so bad and I feel good about the food that my family will be eating – always a bonus!

I have not figured out how much it cost us per chicken yet, but I am sure it is less than the $4.75 a pound that it would cost for free range chicken’s at the local farm. I spoke to a woman at the local feed store and she said it costs her about $11.00 a bird and they bring them to a facility to be processed.

We would have to figure in the cost of the chicken coop and the feed and water trays that we had to buy for  this batch of chickens but I would say our cost should still be less than the $4.75 a pound as all of our chickens seemed quite large.

Now what should I make first – a whole roasted chicken with all the fixen’s? Sounds pretty good!




Trace loves oatmeal – but he can not eat it right now because it has been irritating his stomach. I found a solution this morning.

Brown rice cereal.

I put cooked brown rice, milk, cinnamon, cut up dried apricots and honey in a little pot on the stove, brought it to a boil, then simmered it for about 10 minutes. The cereal was creamy and sweet – I added a little brown sugar to it and presto – breakfast!

Trace loved it, except for the dried apricots. Go figure. He will eat them plain, but not cooked.

Kiddos can be so unpredictable.

At least I have found a solution to breakfast in addition to pancakes and toast.

Trace can’t wait for summer – for the end of school. Every day is a bit of a struggle.

“But I don’t want to go to school today.”

“Trace you only have six days of school left.”

Seriously – now we are having a struggle with this. Pretty much all year he has been great – amazing how the end of kindergarten is coming up and he already can’t wait for summer! I am wondering if by the end of summer he will be ready to go back to school to see all his buddies.

I was hoping we would have a pretty tame summer – but it isn’t looking too good for that.

So far we are:

Visiting my cousin and my grandfather – one weekend

A small friend reunion – at least we don’t have to travel for this one!

A baby shower for my best friend in Mass – so a weekend trip for me and Trace (believe it or not we are also invited to my great aunts 80th birthday this weekend and a friend’s wedding – go figure)

A Fresh Air kid from NY city coming to visit us for two weeks

A camping trip with Trace’s best friends

Grandma coming to visit

River’s dad coming to visit

My grandfather’s birthday

Ummmm – will we have any weekends to just hang out and relax – to float down the river and go fishing – I don’t know – time to look at the schedule and decide what is going to have to go so we can relaxxxxxxx.

Welcome to summer – I always anticipate 10 weeks of calm and it never happens – maybe this year I will learn…

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